The home stretch of the election season always produces the most bizarre stories. Fact and fiction converge into a gooey mess of evening news. I’ve tried to follow it and keep it straight. For those who missed it, here are the highlights.

John Kerry says he served two tours of duty in Vietnam earning about three-dozen Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star, and an employee of the month plaque. The high point of his service came on the day he braved enemy fire to save fellow soldier Jim Rasmussen and a family of small kittens from drowning—a true hero.

However, the Swift Boat Veterans for truth claim that John Kerry never served in Vietnam. But rather he worked a double shift as a food server in a Vietnamese restaurant near the Delta Headquarters in Atlanta. They further state that the closest he came to injury was when a tipsy flight attendant slapped his face in an effort to see if his hair would move…it didn’t. They back up their story with proof that all 7,000 Swift Boat Veterans for Truth served together side by side in Vietnam and never let each other out of their sights.

The Democrats are once again looking into whether or not George W. Bush served in the Texas Air National Guard. The only evidence they have is the lack of documentation that he was ever there. They say there’s more proof that Big Foot is real.

President Bush claims he served in the Texas Air National Guard in Alabama. And to prove it he points to the dental work he had done on the Guard base—three fillings that he says were so poorly done he is no longer able to pronounce the word Nuclear. For that matter, he can’t say Saddam, al-Qaida, or good Democrat either. More proof that he received bad dental care—the long-lasting side effects from the nitrous oxide, that cause him to make such profound statements as, “…frivolous laws suits keep ObGyn’s from practicing their love with women across the country….”

But he never complains about his wounds. His supporter’s like to remind us, that because of his steadfast vigilance, neither Alabama nor Texas was ever invaded during his tour of duty—a true hero.

The gang at CBS and “60 Minutes” got a memo from a man, who got a call from woman, who knew a guy, who lived next door to a fellow, who once dated a lady, who sold beauty products to a man, who worked for a General Manager, who once played a game of paintball, with a guy who moved a desk at the National Guard Base where Bush served, that proved he wasn’t there. Turns out, it might have been forged. Needless to say, Dan Rather is more dumbfounded than a blind dog in a hailstorm on the Bayou during Mardi Gras.

I for one will be glad when the election is over and we can once again talk about what really matters, like what’s the deal with Donald Trump’s hair…?

Well, that’s what I think.

BrainstormNW - Oct 2004